Rain

allow light to enter

open doors

ask in faith for blessing that No One hears

beg for solace

do all in spite of injury

serve the less

add a candle to the shadows

all in an effort

to wake up to

rain

Television is SAVED!!

I love this show. After watching the Democratic Debate tonight, we switched over to watch Idol and laughed, cheered, enjoyed every second of it!!

Such mindless TV and so nice to enjoy it again.

Yea!! for Simon, Paula and Randy

YAHOOO!!! My Blog was accepted!

Janet with Amy Grant at the Women of Faith Conference - Thomas and Mack Center - February 2005

http://www.amygrant.com

I can't tell you how excited I am right now! A few weeks back I entered a contest for Amy Grant fans who have blogs to review her upcoming book, Mosaic.....and I my lil' ol' blog was chosen to be one of the "reviewers" blogs! What does this mean? Well, lemmie-tell-ya! I get a free, autographed copy of the book (pretty cool) and I will read it (well, of course) and then in October, I will post my review! And then....the publisher will direct traffic to my blog to read the review! Now, the most exciting part for me is getting the autographed copy of the book .... as you all know .... I do LOVE Amy Grant! So, get excited with me and get ready for a post about the book. I can't wait and I know everyone will be on pins and needles until I upload this post!

(OK, so I know many will think I am weird, but humor me and please just pretend to be excited)

GREAT IDEA!

I had an epiphany tonight during the Danny Gans show. I was sort of paying attention while enjoying the show, thinking of my blog...silly, but sometimes my mind does wander...anyway... I had a great idea! We should have a reunion in CEDAR CITY, UTAH and see a play (or two...or three) next summer or even this fall! see www.bard.org they have this fall's schedule up and next year's, too! It would be a lot of fun to get together. Dawnae could come down from middle Utah, Judy and Micalanne could come to Vegas from CA and LaRae, Judy, Micalanne and I could drive up and well, LaRae is already there - Janae and Lesli could even join us if they were feeling adventurous! We could even invite Joan! Now I am excited! Anyone else think this is a brilliant idea, too?! PS - I did enjoy Danny Gans with Devin - the tickets were free, which made the show even better.... love www.showtickets4locals.com we get to see free shows as often as we have time for - nice!

Look Who I Found In Cedar City, UT!!

UPDATED Does this woman look familiar?

I was on a brief 3 day vacation in Cedar City with my boys last week and on the first evening there, was reading my e-mail through my cell phone when, low and behold, I received an e-mail from LaRae Hilton-Lemich. She had responded to an e-mail I shared about Pres. Faust's funeral. In her e-mail she said, "Did you know we moved to Cedar City last week?" Well, I sure did not know she moved and about fell down on the street of Cedar City when I realized, "HEY, I'm here, too!" So, I called Cedar City 411 and asked for any Lemich phone numbers, and, yep, I got the right number WITH an address text messaged to me. (Gotta love technology)

So, after going on and on about this exciting thing to my boys, who, by the way, got excited with me, I think as a courtesy. Next morning, Tuesday, I called LaRae, but she was not home at 9 am! "Where could she be?" I wondered. So, I called at 10 am...she had been out running - silly girl! So, we planned to meet at her new home and then go to lunch. They have moved to Cedar as her husband has "semi-retired" and they wanted to leave Wyoming. Their oldest is 21 and in college, their next boy is going on a mission soon, and the next one after that is heading to BYU. They have 2 more at home still. I had to laugh when she said they moved from "Wyoming to the 'big city' of Cedar"

It was so great to see her. I had not seen her since Grant was 3 and Devin was a baby - so it was fun to visit for a little while.

For me, LaRae represents a coming out of myself time in my life. A time when I needed a friend that I could trust and talk to. To me, LaRae was my best friend during my Junior year in High School and beyond. She accepted me even though I was so scared to be who I wanted to be - she just loved me anyway in spite of my flaws. I often wondered why she accepted me and was by best friend, but I know that God placed her in my life at that time to show me that someone of (what I perceived) her caliber could be a friend. After High School and when LaRae got married, we still stayed in touch. She wrote to me on my mission - even sent a cassette tape of her singing happy birthday to me, which if you recall, she has an excellent singing voice. We were in each other's weddings and then, over time, as is often the case, we sent Christmas cards, called on occasion...but never kept up really well. It is nice to know that even after 25 years, we can still see each other and have that spark of friendship one with another. I hope now that she is closer to Vegas that we might see each other sometimes.

There you have the full story. My kids kept saying to me, "What are the odds she would e-mail you when we were right her in the same town?" But I know, once again, God placed her in my life. I know why and I thank Him for being aware of my heart's needs.

AND, I thank LaRae for asking me if I am happy....perfect question.

PS - I am very happy.

My Anthem

Thanks to Judy.....I have found MIKA!!! I love, love, love this song and video! ENJOY

Funny, Funny, Funny (well, to me)

This Starbucks ad came to my inbox today.... I laughed out loud. Since I am 1 year away from being a therapist and I love Starbucks, and my friends always tell me they need me to "therapy-ize" them...I thought this was hysterical. Now, if I can only get these same friends to meet me at Starbucks, my ethical dilemma friends asking me for free therapy will be solved! (Being a friend's therapist is a big no-no to the Therapist Gods) Maybe no one else will find this fun, but for me and my brain, it was enjoyable!!

Life - Mission or No Mission - That is the Question

I have been thinking about something for the past few weeks. The friend that I wrote about a few posts back and I got together for a visit at a park here in town and in the midst of our conversation, something interesting came up, and I am interested in other’s thoughts on this topic. We were talking about how some feel really lead to do certain things in their lives. They feel as though they have a “mission” to fulfill and a purpose to meet. I feel this in my life, as I have shared here before. But, does every person who walks this planet have a mission to fulfill? Do we each have a certain something we feel compelled to complete, an ideal to which we aspire? Or, are we here to 1) get a body 2) do what is right 3) find joy and 4) return to God? And, what we do with 1 – 4 is up to us to figure out so that we feel satisfied and joyful in the process of returning to God. What about the Aborigines in Australia? Do they also have a mission to complete? What would it be? What about the starving children in the Sudan? What about the homeless we see everyday? Do they also feel as if they need to ‘become’ something in this life, thus fulfilling a mission? I just don’t know. What I know for sure is this – I feel compelled to offer what I have to those I come in contact with. To work to help children be safe. To help others find a better way, if they should choose. To share what I have learned so that the pain can be lessened for another. In short, I feel these lyrics quite deeply; “Because I have been given much, I too must give...” and when I say ‘given much,’ I am referring to much adversity and the fortitude, faith and forgiveness to be able to overcome and become. This leads me to a 2nd conversation I had with my massage therapist last weekend. She is very intuitive and often can feel my emotional self, which really is helpful as I am having a massage to release the stress and stories of others I hear daily. She asked me, “What does the word ‘expectation’ have to do with you today?” (I had been thinking in that very moment about my other conversation with my friend) I said that I was thinking about a quote I have heard throughout my life, “where much is given, much is expected.” She asked what I thought it meant. I told her because of what I have lived through and learned, I have a sense or obligation of a spiritual expectation to fulfill and this expectation involves being present for others as they work through life’s difficulties. She completely disagreed that I had been given challenges SO THAT I would understand others – she felt that there is not an expectation, but in essences, I chose to help others instead of wallowing in my own misery or choosing to ‘check out’ of life instead of heal.... So, what do you think? Is there expectation? Do we all have a mission? I say “yes” to both questions....but this is based on my life’s experiences.

A Few Things I Love

My friend LaRae and my other friend Oprah gave me the inspiration for this post. I love the O Magazine that appears in my mailbox each month. Oprah always has her list of "things that I love" each month, so I thought I would post a few things that I love as well. My things are not extravegant and really, you could not rush out to Nordstrom to buy them, but to me, they are presious.... I hope this gives you a glimpse in to my life and lets you know me a bit better. Enjoy! My friend's magazine my talking pig clock from Japan (Ohiyo Gozimasu) Pooh - nuff said... Red Pear - great with cheese Art by my boys Dr. Pepper - big shocker, huh? Movies about strong women - my 3 all time favorites - Yentl, The Color Purple, and of course, Dreamgirls Music by strong women - Amy Grant, Diana Krall, Melissa Etheridge, Point of Grace, Alanis Moresette, and Nichole Nordeman - all of whom I have seen in concert....ahhhhh everything Japanese!

BOOKS! a few of my fav titles - (l to r) The Invitation, A Woman's Worth, Sacred Wounds, On Becoming a Person, Possessing the Secret of Joy, The Highly Sensitive Person, The Unfinished Marriage, Adolesence is not Terminal, and Legacy of the Heart; The Spiritual Advantage of a Painful Childhood.... Art by Jody Bergsma - l - Courage and r - an original of pigs I found on e-bay from the 1980's see www.bergsma.com all things PIGS! my very own Sharpies

The Velveteen Rabbit by Marjory Williams the art work is from illustrator Donna Green see http://http://www.donnagreen.com Last, but not least When I was in YW, we had a new beginnings and we all recieved a 'picture' with Jesus Christ. I love this and it touches me to know I will have this very experience some day.... SO, what do YOU love??

Sacred Feminine

I have been thinking about a topic for a few weeks, and since Mother's Day just passed, I thought I would post about this topic and see what my very wise Blog readers think.

Have you ever wondered about Heavenly Mother? I do...all the time. Why do we not hear about Her? Why aren't we taught of Her? What is the big secret? (OK, I know, sacred, but hey, I feel She is a secret, too)

I think about Heavenly Mother because growing up, my mom was not the 'mother' type and as an adopted child, I was removed from the mother I knew for 9 months and despite what many social workers may say, I feel the ripping-from-her-arms feeling often. I miss that comfort of my first mother and I have always, always needed the connection to a mother-figure. This is why my Mutual (Young Women's) leaders were always so important to me and why I levitated to them. My own mother wanted NOTHING to do with church, nor could she see that I was in need of mothering and nurturing - which was emotionally devastating to a young girl struggling to fit in with anyone. So, I long for a Heavenly Mother....As a side note, my relationship with my mother now is as good as it is going to ever get. She is just emotionally unavailable in life and I have accepted this and learned how to nurture myself.... I have been reading a book that may not be approved by any LDS thinkers or 'approvers,' but nevertheless, I am reading it in my quest to understand my own femininity and to find within myself my own Sacred Feminine self. It is Sue Monk Kid's Dance of the Dissident Daughter. In this book, it talks about Sue's quest to connect within the Baptist Church with a feminine Deity of sorts. She wonders and researches about this topic and finds that really, within her religion, there is no such thing. In fact, she finds many who think women are very inferior to men because of Eve committing (in their minds) the first sin. Not only did she tempt Adam, she also committed the first sin. This is something I never heard and almost hurled the book across the room when I read it, as this thought offended me this much. There are many other names by which many other people call "Heavenly Mother" or the sacred feminine, such as Mother Earth, Mother of All Living, Mother Nature and Goddess....but for the sake of this writing, I'll stick with Heavenly Mother.

In history, if we take a look at the correlation between the abuses women have endured and the abuses the Planet Earth has endured, we see the raping of women and the raping of the land or the earth. The abuses of women and the abuses of nature go hand in hand. As you know, I spent years healing from abuses I endured as a child. And, then, spent a few years as a counselor for rape victims and survivors. I see direct correlation between men's (the generic word) abuses of women and their non-caring attitude about nature and the planet. Not much thought or appreciation given, but used for their own pleasure and sicknesses. So, I spent time thinking why do some men feel this way? What has brought our society to the place it is now that men are superior and women inferior? And despite the best efforts of the feminist movement (and I am a feminist) we are still 2nd best to so many? So, in an effort to better understand this male perspective, I spent 6 months in an internship working with a theraputic group setting with sex offenders - level 2 and above. I wanted to learn how they (offenders) think and what can be done to help un-due this thinking. Believe me when I say there is an epidemic in this country of using female children for deviant sexual experimentation and women as pawns in the web of evil some men participate in. It is horrific and we as women and mothers must stand up and be heard to save our children. (climbing down off my soap box)

In my quest for understanding the sacred feminine, I have done many things, read many books, talked to many women. I have been to an Indian sweat lodge, I have attended conferences, I have read book after book about "the goddess within" and I have spent hours in prayer and mediation. I really have made a big effort to find this within myself and to be secure in my own womanhood. For me, this is a key to my own quest for self security and knowledge. I have created a visual imagery of Heavenly Mother, and have meditated on this mind picture. This, for me, has been the most amazing way to connect. Despite all the books I have read and attempts I have made, I find that imagining myself sitting in the presence of this amazing Woman of God has brought me closer to being the kind of woman I want to be than anything I have ever done.

The amazing part of all of this is I am a mother of young men. I have no girls to pass this down to, but I have boys. And, my boys know all about the dehumanization of women, how women need to be treated and the destructive thinking patterns of men and boys towards women. In fact, I knew I was making headway when we were behind a cab with the famous, "Ifs ands and butts" add and my youngest said, "well there is a perfect example of the exploitation of women...." My inner mom said "YES" with a fist in the air. I feel it is so important to teach our sons about how women need to be respected and that by treating girls with respect, girls learn to respect themselves.

I know there are those in the LDS Faith who think that this type of quest is against our basic teachings, but I feel it is so necessary for my own understanding of who I am to God and who I am as a Woman of Faith. My ultimate goal in this quest is growing closer to my Heavenly Father, and I am going about this by searching out connection with Heavenly Mother. (does this make sense?) I love the 'idea' of Her, the feeling I get when I think of Her and Her love for me as a woman is healing and it is uplifting. I am not the most 'girly' of women, but when I connect with my feminine self, I am more compassionate, more caring, more patient, more loving and yep, I'll say it, more sexual. It is pretty cool, actually.....

I am so in to being a woman as of late and it is so nice to feel I am worthy of the many blessings I receive by being female. I no longer feel 'second best' on Sunday or when Priesthood things are brought up. I know that I chose to be female, that my role as a wife and mother far outweighs my wonderings about the 'whys' of my being a woman in the Church. I also have spent time studying the interaction of Jesus Christ with the women he encountered in the New Testament. What a better example of how to treat women than how Jesus treated women. Equal. With respect. Lovingly and in the end...He took care of His own beloved Mother, Mary. I feel and know this study changed my thinking and my heart.

I no longer question the mystery of the Gospel and my faith has increased 10 fold. So, what do you (yep you, too) do to connect with your feminine self or with Heavenly Mother? (if that does not feel comfortable, ponder on it and see what comes to you...)

Thinking about Transitions

This post is to help me sort out something that is on my mind and may not make any sense to anyone else...... sort of like looking for a lighthouse in a personal fog. I have a friend. Someone who I have been very close to for the past 9 years. She knows all my secrets and all my darkness, and she knows my light and goodness, too. Recently, she and I have been struggling to build a new type of friendship / relationship. It is different than it has been in the past. In the past, I have relied on her and have been so very supported with unconditional love - always. And, my feelings for her were returned just the same. This type of friendship and acceptance in life is rare and I feel so blessed to have been loved this way by another human being. Well, now, we find ourselves in a strange place. I am SO much better mentally, emotionally and spiritually than I have been in my entire life and now, this friendship is changing and it feels so sad to me. It is sad that we no longer spend hours talking and working through difficult challenges and deep secrets - not sad that there is no longer the need to spend these hours talking, but sad that neither of us has the time or energy for these type of talks. So, here we are, 2 women who care deeply about each other as friends, but working to find a meaningful friendship that is still based on a sacred past, but hoping for a different future. All this probably makes no sense to those reading, but to me, it is a difficult time in my life. Working to keep a friendship alive and yet, not wanting this friendship to be as it has always been. We love each other and hold each other in high regard in each other's hearts, but now, we are moving on in life and we need to find a way to stay together in the midst of transitions and changes....it is a beautiful time in life when the support that was there is no longer needed in that way, yet a sad time that the shared experiences and spiritual amazement are no longer going to be part of our lives. Our talks were always accompanied by God's love and the Spirit, and sometimes, we swore we could see angels supporting both of us in a hammock of caring. I will be great - I land on my feet often and it is all going to work out how it needs to work out, but longing for those amazing, healing talks and walks, but looking forward to figuring out how we can "be" without needing the past to keep us connected......

Good News!

I had my 6 month check up with my breast specialist, Dr. Spotts (yep, that is her name...) and I got good news. The lump in my right breast has done "nothing of significance" since my last check up. What that means is I am A-OK and don't have to have a biopsy. YEA! I must say that the mammogram process is not pleasant. I actually got a bruise after the last series of 3 pictures. I cried - right there - in the mammography room - that is how badly it hurt. I took a picture with my camera phone, which I won't post as I don't want to end up on some porn site...but damn (yep I swore) It hurt like nothing else! Since I am an adopted woman I have been very careful with my health. I started getting mammos at 30 at the suggestion of my primary care doctor as I have no health history. I have to say, this as well, being adopted is hard - not knowing anything about my beginning is hard and at times, painful. In fact, I have lobbied the Nevada Legislature in favor of an open records for adult adoptees bill, but the big money adoption agencies lobbied against our little group. For more Open Records information see - http://www.nevadatriad.org What I do have is what is called my "non-identifying information" purchased by me from Catholic Charities of So. Nevada, who is the agency that facilitated my adoption. I do know this much...I was the 6th child born to a woman named Barbara when she was 27. I have 5 older brothers, who at the time of my birth were in foster care. And, my birthfather, Bill, was married with 2 children, a boy and a girl. I am Irish and that is about all I know. I love Barbara for giving me the best that she could at the time in 1965....but sometimes, I just ache so much to have her hold me that it hurts. I guess this post turned in to more than I expected....I am thankful for a healthy right breast and a First Mother who gave me a life that she at the time felt she could not provide. Thanks Barbara...where ever you are!

V-A-C-A-T-I-O-N!!!

We are leaving in the morning for a short Spring Break vacation. I am the last one up...finishing laundry, doing a few last minute things and basically enjoying the quiet of a sleeping home. Sometimes, it is just nice to have time alone and today I had none of that. I felt like no one was helping and then when I got in a "mood," I was the one who was asked, "what is your problem, mom...?" (teens are great and so honest) This comment made me even madder, but at the same time, reminded me to settle down and let go of my need to have help. I just got stuff done and when the boys saw what I was doing, they were quietly guilted in to doing what they knew they needed to do, too. I so do not like this part of my personality - the explode and sulk me. Not pretty and not fun to apologize later on. I wish I would just relax and be OK with life....and often I am, but not today. But, I am what I am and I work everyday to be better, just today, I fell short. BUT tomorrow - I will be on the beach and I will relax, exhale and enjoy my family.... I will post pictures and vacation stuff when I get home in a few days. SOUTHERN CALI...here we come!

Gratitude

My handsome husband, Wayne and me, Santa Monica Pier - Summer 2006 I spoke in my church last Sunday (3/18/07) and it was a great experience for me....so I thought I would share it here. Enjoy! --- Gratitude --- In every thing give thanks: for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus concerning you. I THESSALONIANS 5:18 Over the past year, I have made a conscious effort to recognize things in my life that for which I have deep gratitude. This effort came out of a desire to change my attitude about life. I wanted to be more positive and to have more joy in my life. I was happy, but to me, happiness masks fears, covers them up for a time, but they are there, just under the surface. I had spent many, many years with fear in my life and I was ready to give it all away. To me, living with Joy is the absence of fear. Joy is the reason we are here – the ultimate goal. The more I spent time with the idea of having joy in my life, the more it became apparent that I must have gratitude for ALL things in my life; the good and the bad. When I was in theMTC I remembered hearing someone say that we needed to have “an attitude of Gratitude.” This quote stayed in my mind for the past 20 years for a reason. I have realized that nothing new can come into your life unless you are grateful for what you already have. So, I started to appreciate what there was, in the here and now instead of always wanting something else and something more. I have asked Father often for help to figure all of this out. During this time of wanting to have more joy in my life, I met Becca Levie –“Living on Purpose” - Talk about Becca She inspired gratitude in me from the moment our eyes met. (see http://www.beccalevie.com ) Gratitude is also a form of grammar. To learn the grammar of gratitude, practice saying "thank you" for happy and challenging experiences, for people, animals, things, art, memories, dreams. Count your blessings, and praise God. Utter blessings, and express your appreciation to everything and everyone you encounter. By blessing others, we are blessed. I want to share with you one of the things I decided to do to help me have more Gratitude in my life. I began by keeping a Gratitude Journal Bought a note book – carried it with me - Encourage others to keep such a note book Things that could be written out of gratitude could include: The kindness of strangers Holding your child in your arms Boundless imagination Delighting in other people’s children Feeling the presence of the Spirit Following my intuition and being thrilled that I did Daydreaming Answers to prayers Watching the sunset Meeting a kindred spirit Having a Nap Being able to trust another human being Realizing that there are no coincidences Laughing so hard that my sides hurt The first bite of banana pudding Reading a book that changes your life Another thing I have consistently done was to ask in prayer to find learning opportunities and to help me have gratitude through these experiences. And Father blesses me often when I pay attention to what life is handing me. A few weeks ago, I had the once in a life time opportunity to see one of my “Sheros” in person as I went to hear the poet Maya Angelou speak. She spoke about finding “The Rainbows in the Clouds.” How we need to find the gratitude in even the most miserable of life’s situations. She spoke of how we need to look at things differently, to laugh more and to have joy for life is short. Once again, an amazing learning opportunity. I have an example of changing my attitude about a small thing in my life and I share this with deep love for my husband. Sock rolls – For many years, he has left socks rolled up in the laundry, seemingly not giving thought to the laundry-doer (me) having to unroll them. So, one day, I was grumbling in my head about his socks when it occurred to me that his feet go in to these socks everyday – that these are the feet that carry him to work to provide for out family, that these are the feet that I love to touch with my feet before falling asleep each night, so I started being thankful for his rolled up socks. His socks are still rolled up in the laundry, but now, my attitude about them has changed to an attitude filled with gratitude, and I don’t care if the socks are in a ball anymore, because they held his feet. This is a small example of how having an attitude of gratitude can change how you feel about a situation or a person.... without gratitude, I still would grumble about socks. In order to have complete gratitude, you MUST change the way you look at life. But what about the things in our lives that are just so painful, so terrifying, so full of injury that we just can not have any gratitude for them? What then? It is pretty easy to be grateful when life hums along smoothly. But I believe that gratitude holds us together even when we’re falling apart. Ironically, gratitude’s most powerful mysteries are often revealed when we are struggling in the midst of personal turmoil. When we stumble in the darkness, rage in anger, hurl our faith across the room, and abandon all hope. When we are busy crying ourselves to sleep, gratitude waits patiently to console and reassure us: there is a landscape larger than the one we can see. At these times, I have gone back in time, to the experience of being on the Church History trip and our first stop was to visit the Liberty Jail. There, seeing for myself, what that was like for our prophet, Joseph Smith changed me. This was a profound moment for me. A real “AH HA” moment. Turn with me to D & C 122:7 (this is the "and all this shall give thee experience" scripture...look it up) I knew at that time that there was a lesson in all of my past injuries and pain, and I knew that there always will be a lesson for me in all difficulties I would face in life. I often have spent time with this question - What is the lesson I am to learn? I have had injury in my life, as we all have. At this point in time, I have faced much of it, but from time to time, it comes back to haunt my sleep or as an insecurity or as a fear....at these times, I ask it, “What is it that I am to learn?” And invariably, there is a great lesson. Heavenly Father puts people in our lives that we are to learn from. And often, these great lessons come from these people. Interestingly enough, when the Bishop called me to speak today, I had just come from a 3 hour conversation with a dear friend. This conversation had left me physically spent; weary from deep emotion and not having too much gratitude. I was on I-15 stuck in traffic and said out loud to Father – “OK, I am feeling really alone, and I need you to help me and hold me now.” Then, not 10 minutes later my cell phone rings, “Hello Janet...this is the Bishop. Will you please speak on Sunday?” Immediately my heart’s attitude changed and I thought, “And this shall give thee experience...” For me, the lesson that has come from my own past injury has been inspired of God, as I would have never chosen if for myself. I feel inspired to share this lesson here, but feel some apprehension in doing so.... About 5 years ago I was in the midst of great personal turmoil, but I felt impressed through prayer and reading of my patriarchal blessing that I needed to complete my college education. I thought this was absolutely ludicrous as I would be the big 4-0 once I was finished. But, I started, one class at a time, and through this experience, I began to see that I was pretty smart and that God had given me the gift of intelligence. I can’t tell you what this did for my self esteem. I soared and excelled. During this time, I changed fields of employment and began in the helping field. I was blessed to have a very sacred obligation to help people at a major time of crisis. It took me out of my own misery and helped my heart heal in ways I never knew possible. As graduation time got closer, I started feeling impressed by the spirit to do more with education. I informed Heavenly Father that I was now 40 and well past the age of starting a whole new career, but I found myself signed up and in Graduate school 1 month after completing my Bachelor degree. Heavenly Father has shown me through the spirit and through life that I am to be a Marriage and Family Therapist so that I will be in a position to help other’s build and strengthen their lives and relationships. I have no idea how this will work out, but I am flying on faith and having gratitude daily that I get to have these experiences. When life gives you bittersweet chocolate, add sugar and make brownies. (I don’t’ like lemon aide.) Or – God has a plan for me (YOU TOO) and He will be there! I share this because I felt impressed that Heavenly Father wants us as His children to have more gratitude. To let our hearts sing to Him and to thank Him for all he has given us and to listen when He reaches out to us in a Sunset or in a smile or in rolled up socks. My lesson in returning to school brought deeper thinking into my life. Deeper thinking brought wanting more joy and wanting more joy brought me to Gratitude. And Gratitude has brought me unimaginable peace and love. And if you ask me if I would go back and trade all the hard, horrific things that I have lived through to get to this point, I would say, emphatically – NO – I have too much gratitude for the great lessons about patience, endurance, self-love, living for the experience of having joy and many more that have come from my personal sorrow. This has not been an easy path to walk. It has not always been pleasant. I have gone to my own ‘Liberty Jail’ and prayed my own prayer of pain to Father, and He has answered me with more love and abundance than I could have ever expected. LDS singer Hillary weeks has a line in a song that says, “every day that I walk on this earth, the more and more I learn of your (God’s) goodness, of His plan, who I am and where I fit in...” I think this is indicative of having gratitude; we get to learn about ourselves. If you find yourself in a place of sorrow and injury and challenges, turn to God, let Him hold you. Let Him be the one to guide your heart’s healing. It is possible and if you don’t think it is, please know this is from my heart when I say – Anything is possible with love, time and gratitude for God’s blessings – and even His blessings of sorrow. I’m in an amazing heart space because I found gratitude. Let Him who knows your heart best guide you along your path.

LOVE

This is a picture of water that was frozen while being sent love...isn't it beautiful?

See the book - Hidden Messages in Water by Masaru Emoto http://www.amazon.com/Hidden-Messages-Water-Masaru-Emoto/dp/1582701148 Love is the most important emotion. It encompasses all other emotions, or the opposite of those emotions. For example, Love and Anger are opposite, but you don't know what anger is unless you have experienced love - same goes for hate, and depression, and fear and all the other supposed 'bad' or 'unwanted' emotions. Love is the start of all else in life. It is what we feel for our mothers when we are in the womb, it is the thing we need to thrive as infants, and it is the one feeling we seek after most of our lives. We are able to give it in abundance and also we are able to take it away when we are in the place of anger. I marvel often at my ability to love my children unconditionally - even though they are now teenagers. Also, I marvel at how much my husband loves me unconditionally - even when I was in college algebra and hating every moment of homework. He would sit, patiently, and help me until I 'got it...' Now folks, that is true love. I marvel at my capacity to love him and how much I crave being near him, even if we are just both reading or watching TV. It is nice to be in love. I also marvel at how much I have learned to love human beings. We all have our own 'stuff' or 'baggage' that we carry around and as I work with families and with people in general, I truly do feel love for them. I believe this love is the love that Heavenly Father has for me, that I have accepted with gratitude and in turn, the love I share through my work with others. I do not get impatient with them, because I truly do love them for what they are --- children of God. And all this came about because I know God loves me and because I love myself..... It is pretty simple when you think about it. Who do you love?

tree of life pendant

I wear a necklace with a beautiful tree and guiding star. I have had many people, some I know, some I do not know ask or comment about it and so, I thought I would write a few words as to the 'why' and 'what' it means to me. When I was a little girl, 7 or 8 years of age, I had a beautiful mulberry tree in the front yard of my house. My dad built a tree house in it and it was painted turquoise (it was the 70's after all...) and I LOVED that place. I even named the tree sara and I spent hours up there, with my cat and with books and with my imagination. Later on, when things in my young life became increasingly scary and difficult, I would often retreat to my tree house - pretending to be on a boat sailing away to a far away land - always with my cat - and always with books. I just knew that if I could sail away in this beautiful tree house that I would be safe and I would be cared for by the sara tree. Well, here I am, at 41, still loving that tree, still loving a cat, still loving books and using my mind to create marvelous thoughts. The house I grew up in is now owned by others and they removed the tree, but to me, it is still in my heart. I see her (my tree) as a strong and safe place to be - even now - I will often touch my pendant just to reassure myself that I am safe and I am loved - now, that safety and love comes from my own self, for myself. I know I am loved by God, by my husband, by my children, and by my extended family and friends, but for me, self-love was the toughest and most sought after love of all --- now this love for myself is unconditional and it is given in quantities that I often marvel I am able to produce. I always remember my safe place in my turquoise tree house, supported by my mulberry tree named sara. God works miracles everyday, and for a little girl escaping hurt, that tree was and still is my miracle.

Rainbows in the Clouds

I had one of those once-in-a-lifetime experiences last night. I went to hear one of my 'sheros' speak ... Dr. Maya Angelou was here in LV and spoke to a sold out crowd at the Cashman Field Theatre.

What a beautiful, amazing, gracious woman she is. She read her poetry, spoke to us on the importantce of "seeing rainbows in our clouds," AKA finding the lesson in adversity! My very favorite topic! She spoke about being a young woman in St. Louis and she was raped by a 'family friend...' This man was arrested and then later he was killed in jail. When she heard that he had been murdered, she just 'knew' that it was her words (in telling) that killed him. So, she did not speak for a number of years after that event. During this time of not speaking, she began to read - voraciously. She found her love of poetry and then, once she decided she would begin to speak again, it was a poem she recited first. In her adversity, or her clouds, she found a rainbow in her love of poetry. This rainbow has stayed with her for her entire life. She said of her not speaking, "It was not my voice that left, but I who left my voice..."

Remarkable - I am better for having heard her words.

Dreamgirls

I love this movie....

I have seen Dreamgirls 3 times now and I am open to go again with whoever needs someone to see it with.

I keep thinking about Effie White (Jennifer Hudson's character) and her struggle to find herself and her place in life during the movie. I relate to her in many ways. I have often felt misunderstood in my life for one reason or another. I was definitely not a 'diva' as she seemed to be in the movie, but I did have struggles fitting in and feeling normal. As an adult, I now know why I felt that way, but as a young person and a teen, I just felt weird and wondered what was wrong with me....there was nothing wrong with me, but there were things going on in my life that were wrong.

Now, as an adult, who has evolved - I see myself on the stage next to Effie White singing "I'm Changing..." and I have and I am - evolving everyday. Loving myself and the challenges I have faced. It is all for my understanding and my experience....

Do you think I'll win an award for my efforts? Probably not, but that is OK because my reward is a life full of joy, peace and understanding of what life has handed me and how I can love myself through it all.

If you haven't seen this movie --- go, go, go...as a woman I loved the empowerment of it all....

Starting Again

Well...we all get second chances and I am taking a second chance at being a blogger...whatever that means... I have thought of myself as a writer starting at about the age of 14, but now, thanks to technology, I can write what I feel and share these thoughts with others --- whoever is out in cyber space reading. That is a bit of a scary thought, but at the same time, I have 2 blogs I read often and they make me laugh, cry and help me learn so much. AND an old friend has started a blog...with pictures of her beautiful family, her beautiful self and thoughts that are meaningful..so I thought, "if she can do it, so will I!" Here I am ... blogging! Who woulda thunk it!

day one

Today I am starting this blog. This is something I have been wanting and planning on doing for sometime, but have not put the effort or time into beginning. I am a writer at heart and I want to write for my own continued healing and for a place to leave my own peace of my heart. You see - I am a person affected by sexual abuse and assault. These assaults consumed a big part of my life and when I began my healing process, I never thought that I could be more than a piece of crap. Now, life is beautiful - it has potential for joy. I want to share my healing expereiences and feelings here, in a public place in hopes that others might find a way to heal as well. Patrice