I have been thinking about a topic for a few weeks, and since Mother's Day just passed, I thought I would post about this topic and see what my very wise Blog readers think.
Have you ever wondered about Heavenly Mother? I do...all the time. Why do we not hear about Her? Why aren't we taught of Her? What is the big secret? (OK, I know, sacred, but hey, I feel She is a secret, too)
I think about Heavenly Mother because growing up, my mom was not the 'mother' type and as an adopted child, I was removed from the mother I knew for 9 months and despite what many social workers may say, I feel the ripping-from-her-arms feeling often. I miss that comfort of my first mother and I have always, always needed the connection to a mother-figure. This is why my Mutual (Young Women's) leaders were always so important to me and why I levitated to them. My own mother wanted NOTHING to do with church, nor could she see that I was in need of mothering and nurturing - which was emotionally devastating to a young girl struggling to fit in with anyone. So, I long for a Heavenly Mother....As a side note, my relationship with my mother now is as good as it is going to ever get. She is just emotionally unavailable in life and I have accepted this and learned how to nurture myself....
I have been reading a book that may not be approved by any LDS thinkers or 'approvers,' but nevertheless, I am reading it in my quest to understand my own femininity and to find within myself my own Sacred Feminine self. It is Sue Monk Kid's Dance of the Dissident Daughter. In this book, it talks about Sue's quest to connect within the Baptist Church with a feminine Deity of sorts. She wonders and researches about this topic and finds that really, within her religion, there is no such thing. In fact, she finds many who think women are very inferior to men because of Eve committing (in their minds) the first sin. Not only did she tempt Adam, she also committed the first sin. This is something I never heard and almost hurled the book across the room when I read it, as this thought offended me this much. There are many other names by which many other people call "Heavenly Mother" or the sacred feminine, such as Mother Earth, Mother of All Living, Mother Nature and Goddess....but for the sake of this writing, I'll stick with Heavenly Mother.
In history, if we take a look at the correlation between the abuses women have endured and the abuses the Planet Earth has endured, we see the raping of women and the raping of the land or the earth. The abuses of women and the abuses of nature go hand in hand. As you know, I spent years healing from abuses I endured as a child. And, then, spent a few years as a counselor for rape victims and survivors. I see direct correlation between men's (the generic word) abuses of women and their non-caring attitude about nature and the planet. Not much thought or appreciation given, but used for their own pleasure and sicknesses. So, I spent time thinking why do some men feel this way? What has brought our society to the place it is now that men are superior and women inferior? And despite the best efforts of the feminist movement (and I am a feminist) we are still 2nd best to so many? So, in an effort to better understand this male perspective, I spent 6 months in an internship working with a theraputic group setting with sex offenders - level 2 and above. I wanted to learn how they (offenders) think and what can be done to help un-due this thinking. Believe me when I say there is an epidemic in this country of using female children for deviant sexual experimentation and women as pawns in the web of evil some men participate in. It is horrific and we as women and mothers must stand up and be heard to save our children. (climbing down off my soap box)
In my quest for understanding the sacred feminine, I have done many things, read many books, talked to many women. I have been to an Indian sweat lodge, I have attended conferences, I have read book after book about "the goddess within" and I have spent hours in prayer and mediation. I really have made a big effort to find this within myself and to be secure in my own womanhood. For me, this is a key to my own quest for self security and knowledge. I have created a visual imagery of Heavenly Mother, and have meditated on this mind picture. This, for me, has been the most amazing way to connect. Despite all the books I have read and attempts I have made, I find that imagining myself sitting in the presence of this amazing Woman of God has brought me closer to being the kind of woman I want to be than anything I have ever done.
The amazing part of all of this is I am a mother of young men. I have no girls to pass this down to, but I have boys. And, my boys know all about the dehumanization of women, how women need to be treated and the destructive thinking patterns of men and boys towards women. In fact, I knew I was making headway when we were behind a cab with the famous, "Ifs ands and butts" add and my youngest said, "well there is a perfect example of the exploitation of women...." My inner mom said "YES" with a fist in the air. I feel it is so important to teach our sons about how women need to be respected and that by treating girls with respect, girls learn to respect themselves.
I know there are those in the LDS Faith who think that this type of quest is against our basic teachings, but I feel it is so necessary for my own understanding of who I am to God and who I am as a Woman of Faith. My ultimate goal in this quest is growing closer to my Heavenly Father, and I am going about this by searching out connection with Heavenly Mother. (does this make sense?) I love the 'idea' of Her, the feeling I get when I think of Her and Her love for me as a woman is healing and it is uplifting. I am not the most 'girly' of women, but when I connect with my feminine self, I am more compassionate, more caring, more patient, more loving and yep, I'll say it, more sexual. It is pretty cool, actually.....
I am so in to being a woman as of late and it is so nice to feel I am worthy of the many blessings I receive by being female. I no longer feel 'second best' on Sunday or when Priesthood things are brought up. I know that I chose to be female, that my role as a wife and mother far outweighs my wonderings about the 'whys' of my being a woman in the Church. I also have spent time studying the interaction of Jesus Christ with the women he encountered in the New Testament. What a better example of how to treat women than how Jesus treated women. Equal. With respect. Lovingly and in the end...He took care of His own beloved Mother, Mary. I feel and know this study changed my thinking and my heart.
I no longer question the mystery of the Gospel and my faith has increased 10 fold. So, what do you (yep you, too) do to connect with your feminine self or with Heavenly Mother? (if that does not feel comfortable, ponder on it and see what comes to you...)
